And we run to the bank and we
fill up the gas and we
finish our errands and we don't
stop we just
check off our lists then we
write tomorrow's and we-
I'm just tired. I say this in a way less of complaining but more of noticing - I am so easily exhausted. This final semester of the past 13 years is supposed to be one of good things, of closeness and bonding. And yet, I find myself shrouded by stresses. While it may come as surprising to some (or unsurprising to others), I am an introvert by nature. I love conversation, and I love my friends. But when I go home after a long day of socializing and return to my room, I am struck by the weight of my tiredness. This past winter break, my social battery hit an all-time death- I gave up seeing virtually anyone but my parents, my sister, and my dog. I just needed a minute- or an entire week, it turned out- to myself.
But here is where my internal rumination begins. Last week, I had a revelation that led to a deep spiraling. Here's the scene: imagine watching the Olympic Games. Only the best of the best gymnasts, curlers, and alpine skiers, and this is their moment. What they've worked towards for most likely their entire lives, all that they know. But there's a small voice somewhere, asking - what if the fastest runner of all time isn't Usain Bolt? What if it's some unassuming 14-year-old boy living in a small-town village in the depths of Guatemala? What if there's a swimmer comparable to Katie Ledecky whose name no one knows?
I love my friends, I said this before. But in this final semester of which is supposed to be full of good things, I still feel a tightening sense of claustrophobia. What if there is someone roaming the hallways of Troy High who would've been my closest friend, had we just run into each other, if even only once? What if there is someone here who I don't know, who turns out to like all the same things I like? Understand me in all the ways I understand them? What if I'm missing out on this life-altering, Olympic tier best-friendship? What steps should I have taken backward, to then find myself, to know this person, in this otherwise unknown otherworld?
I've tried explaining this nearly unbearable idea to those around me now. And they ask me- are you not content right now? In turn, I exclaim- of course I am! My friends are the best people that I know! But there's an internal voice that wedges me... but what if I could be content-er??? And then I chastise myself... why am I always needing more? Don't I have everything I need? Where is my stop?
I've been wondering more too about negative capability, which helps a little bit in subsiding my recent mental scaries about what could've been - thinking about embracing uncertainty, despite the ego. Accepting and celebrating what is present...
